My life in Christ

2006-11-03T20:27:00.000+08:00

Another 2 weeks have passed so fast...time really flies when you think back about the entire week but in the process of going through the week it's really painfully slow. So much has happened in this little time. First was the route march in fbo which I was really really nervous about. I know infantry march even further but still I was scared. Strangely after the first 3 clicks and then after the 10 minutes rest I really had the energy and motivation to march and shout out loud for the rest of the route march. I really don't know where such a spirit came from, only from God it must be. Thank God I made it through. But At the end of the day I kena +2 -2 just 10 minutes before booking out...really sian but then again the extra 2 hours was spent on nothing much. Then there was full soc rundown and evaluation and on the same day another killer test. Still God pulled me through all this eventhough I don't deserve to make it through. Thankfully the last 2 days was unite celebration which meant fun and game, in other words slacking and early bookout. Thank God for the long weekend after such a killer time. I really need all the rest I can get.

2006-10-24T14:00:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel I just can't go on anymore... it's so difficult for me. I just wish that somehow everything would finish quickly. I really don't know if I can pull through these two years in ns. If only I could somehow find the strength. Now every little thing to me is a chore...life just feels like one big chore with nothing to look forward to. I really don't know where I'm going to...I feel lost and confused.

2006-09-23T19:07:00.000+08:00

Hey I'm finally back. Just booked out today at 1730hrs so late. Well I guess today is book out day that's why kena tekan and delayed so much...sian. Anyway I've made it through this really really tough two weeks in army with God by my side. I know He'll see me through for the rest of the two years I have to serve.

Let's rewind a bit to the first day when I enlisted. I went to report to jurong camp with my family. It was so sian like there was breakfast, some registration which was quite disorganised and then the oath taking ceremony and that's it...the last time I saw my family for some time. The first day was nothing much really. They just did mostly admin stuff, check the barang barang like field pack duffel bag and all those other stuff and some really basic marching.

The second day got tougher and the third day was like hell. I mean the real physical training and tekaning started and it was really hard for me. After a few days my whole body was just aching even simple things like standing up or sitting down became really difficult. My arms were also really aching...I couldn't even hold the fork and spoon properly...suddenly everything became so heavy. Then a few days later my back really started to hurt especially when I bend backwards so I went to the the mo at pasir laba twice for the same thing but still not cured. So I went to take an xray at cmpb and thank God the xray showed nothing serious but still my back is painful. I've tried so many muscle creams and plasters and all don't work...also tried streching exercises but it's really painful. In total I got 6 days mc and it really helped but still the back pain won't go away. The tablets they gave are quite useless. If not for the mc I don't know how I would have gotten through these 2 weeks. I probably would have to crawl out of camp on book out day.

At least my platoon mates are quite ok...only one or two of them got some attitude problems but overall we are quite united. I can't say the same for my company though and I really hate any activity that involves the whole company. The movement is always very slow and always got something goes wrong...surely kena tekan especially 5bx and those training instructed by the pti. I feel it's quite unfair that the whole company gets punished when most of the time my platoon isn't the one at fault. Company marching and singing is also terrible and very disorganised...it's like there are too many people and it's too hard to work together. I really don't know what to do but just keep praying and hope things improve.

Feels so sian everyday getting up at 4.30 with my whole body aching and I only get to book out for a little more than 24hrs... really no life in army.

2006-09-07T11:01:00.000+08:00

Tuesday I went to pitstop cafe with cedric and joseph... was really fun to play the games there. I think winner's circle was the most fun and the fish and chips I ate was also one of the best I've tried. But I think I've been eating too much fried food and now the weather very hazy I got sore throat already...

Today I woke up very early around 4 am dunno why...maybe it was too cold anyway I forced myself back to sleep otherwise I would be very tired. Later I woke up then went to the barber to cut botak...so sad already. Anyway luckily I remembered to take pics of my long hair just before I went to cut. It's probably the last time I'll have such long hair.

I've got everything ready and packed but still I don't know if my heart is ready to go. Seems like I'm hardly anxious or worried eventhough my enlistment is just tomorrow. I guess it's maybe due to the fact that I don't fully realise what kind of tough training I'll be going through. Anyway I'll soon find out for myself. Wish me all the best and do pray for me thanks. Ps...probably won't be updating this blog regularly from now on.

2006-09-04T21:52:00.000+08:00

Saturday was something of a special day. First there was filming in the service lol but my most people didn't wear anything special, I guess there was no need to since they were mostly filming the stage. The captured video will be used for the church anniversay celebrations. Most unfortunately I probably will be stuck in camp. Secondly saturday was special because it was Richard's birthday. He was also the guitarist during that service and he played really well. Lastly saturday was special also because it was the last service for me before I enlist. I wish I was able to go to the first ever ns unit meet but I couldn't because serangoon is quite far for me to travel too and the following day I had something on in the morning. So after dinner I went home as usual but found myself stuck outside the house desperately trying to get my gate remote control to work. I called my family but all didn't answer and there didn't seem to be anyone awake in the house. Praise God my oldest brother, who is living elsewhere, was still awake and had the remote and can to help me open the gate. Alse praise God that he's staying just 2 minutes away from me. That fiddly remote is so ^&*@*&$ haha....in other words unreliable.

Today was such a long trying, difficult and tiring day but I feel these are trials sent by God to nurture me and help me grow. I'm quite surprised by how I reacted to everything, I feel the Holy Spirit in me is really helping me through all this. I won't elaborate the rest cuz it's quite personal though.

Alas my heart is still burdened and heavy. The day of my enlistment is drawing uncomfortably closer and closer and the more heavy my heart grows. Anyway it is my responsibility to serve the nation. Since I'm responsible with little things I should also learn to be responsible in big things like these. I'm sure I'll mature through all this and come out a better person for God.

2006-08-25T15:14:00.000+08:00

Hai today morning really sucks... I guess I'm feeling the after effects of swimming and then partying too much ha ha...really had to force myself out of the bed and my whole body is aching. Last night went to celebrate cedric and stephen's birthday...was really fun, too bad I didn't win any lucky draw nevermind. I was just looking through friendster and realised I missed so many of my old friends and some of my ite friends. It's a pity we've lost contact and I really really miss them. I hope one day I'll be able to see them again or at least get over missing them. I also realised that I'm getting closer and closer to enlistment and it's only two weeks away. I guess I have prepared myself and I hope it's enough to survive the tough training.

2006-08-09T23:43:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday Singapore! Yeah today is national day and I had great fun today fellowshipping with both my family and friends and eating a lot too...lol. Lunch there was a buffet party and my cousins, uncles, aunties all came and it was really great to see them after such a long time. Then in the evening I went to eat steamboat at marina bay with the di north people. Though it was extremely crowded, we could not even get on the bus, I still enjoyed the time. Not to mention the steamboat place had chairs covered in soot from the smoke so we chose to eat at the bbq place instead. Woah the food was great and I had so much to eat...today really gonna put on weight eating buffet lunch and buffet dinner lol! It was good to see north again after such a long time of missing caregroup. On the way home it was still crowded and we couldn't get on the bus so had to walk to the mrt from the bbq place. Well I guess some exercise wouldn't hurt especially after eating so much the whole day. Most of the guys went home cuz it was 6.30 when we reached marina bay but after dinner it was already 10 lol...eat until so late siah! I then went to esplanade with jey and vincent then happened to bump into two sisters from our church quite surprisingly. Unfortunately there was nothing much to do at the very crowded esplanade so we went home. I went to the bus stop and was very suprised to see my former ex-tanglinian classmate...jamas chua. I waited so very long, about 25 mins for the really slow bus 10. It eventually came and he and I went on the same bus. I was surprised again when we alighted at the same place which was the bus stop at my house. He was probably going to take another bus to clementi. It was a good opportunity to get his number and keep in contact but I guess I was to shy, tired and lazy...besides his girlfriend was with him so it was kinda hard to chat to him. I regret missing such a chance and went home without his number. I don't know if well ever meet again though I do know where he studies.

2006-08-08T12:41:00.000+08:00

I've got too much time on my hands nowadays and it's not a good thing. I'm just rotting. I'm thinking too much which is making me feel discontented. I hate digging up the past but I guess it's a good time to settle all the "stuff". Sigh, I just wish people showed more respect, it's just so annoying to go around chasing for this or that...

2006-08-05T23:53:00.000+08:00

Today was my first service sitting with my new unit- the band of brothers. I also found out my cg and who's inside. I'm really happy and also quite surprised but still have yet to find out who's my shepherd. I'm really thankful to God for my new spiritual leaders.

2006-08-03T15:47:00.000+08:00

this monday I went to play lan games with moses and big j at dhoby ghaut...was really fun and then on wednesday I went again haha. These few days so bored stuck in the same cycle of doing the same old thing everyday. It somehow still feels like I'm in di...I still know almost nothing about my new unit, cg, cl or shepherd. I haven't even seen the whole unit either. Wonder why they are so quiet. I guess I'll find out this saturday and it's sure going to be a surprise for me.

2006-07-30T14:36:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I was on duty as usual doing mm. It was a special ess service and I gave my best and praise God everything turned out quite good. Rather interesting was the "mtv" video and ice-breaker game. And yes the sermon was of special mention especially the keyword "lavish" lol. After service I received a call and rushed down to starhub building. There it was officially announced that I and several other dians would be transferring to the ns group. To be honest it's hard to describe my feelings. It was like everything happening there was not real and a dream. Why I felt that way was not because I totally was against transferring but really had mixed feelings in my heart. I was both excited yet sad at the same time. I was sad because I spent almost two years in the di family. I remember so many times we struggled together through the dry and harsh times. We eventually saw a fantastic breakthrough in our outreach and di has grown miraculously in numbers. I also remember the times of good fellowship at Christmas 05 and 06, chinese new year and all the other smaller occasions. I've developed a very strong bond to the dians and that's why I felt it was a bit painful to leave the family where I belong and love so much. At the same time I am happy to move on to another phase in life that God has planned for me. I am happy to start anew with my new unit of brothers and start to outreach in a totally different environment. I'm willing to learn how to outreach to those in my camp and will do it for God's Kingdom. I hope that I will reach a new level of maturity in spiritual growth in this new unit.

2006-07-25T12:26:00.000+08:00

The day is getting closer and closer. Sigh feel a bit stressed but somehow I feel that I'll be able to pull through. I'm enlisting soon and dunno what life's going to be like once I'm in ns. Most probably going to be a very difficult life. I just hope that when I go in I'm not only physically prepared but also mentally and spiritually ready for the difficulties ahead. I'm also quite sad that I'll be leaving my multimedia ministry and di after nearly two years of serving. I guess it's just time to move on to another phase in life whether I'm willing or like it, it doesn't matter I still have to go. It's God's plan that a move on in life and I should follow willingly. I just hope that wherever I go, I'll still continue to grow and hold on to my faith.

2006-07-05T17:52:00.000+08:00

Yikes I've been in and out of sickness for the last 1 month+. Seems like I'm having really poor health this year, I never remembered ever being so sick last year. Well I got the flu then recovered 2 weeks later. Unfortunately I got the flu again after just 5 days. Started with a really bad sore throat. Then yesterday I just saw the newpaper and there was an article about the flu spreading here. So I guess we all better be on the lookout and be extra careful with our health. I've been so sick and lazy, not to mention bored. I miss watching movies, feel like going out again soon when I've recovered. At least there was world cup to watch. I'm really downhearted cuz Germany just flopped. Hopefully they get 3rd place. As for the french I hope they go back home. Portugal will win this world cup! At least that's the only team I like which is remaining... I better get back to more serious stuff now. I've got this mm clip to do and really no ideas...3 mins long! What am I supposed to do...?

2006-06-08T13:25:00.000+08:00

I've been so sick for more than a week already. Got sore throat, cough, cold, fever dunno what's happening to me. Seems like my health is very bad this year already have been sick like 4 times and the sickness always lasted for a few weeks. At least I can see I'm getting better. On monday was the worst. I woke up with a fever and I was so weakened I could hardly walk properly. I regret living on the 5th storey, it was so hard to walk downstairs when I'm that weak. Thank God the fever lifted 5 hours later after sleeping it off. I just spent the whole of monday sleeping. Really weak and couln't do anything much and had no mood. Right now I'm a lot better at least my strength is back and can move around properly and use the computer. I think my room needs a mojor cleanup, it's just too dusty. It's like a dust magnet for some reason. You don't wipe the table for a few days and you can already see and feel a layer of dust on it.

2006-05-29T18:21:00.000+08:00

I've just returned from the cinema. Today I went to watch the da vinci code movie. It deserves two thumbs down from me not because of it's fictional claims attacking the church and my faith but because the movie simply wasn't put together very well. I mean the plot was confusing and had loopholes here and there. Interesting but a bit too far fetched. Actually I am glad to have watched this movie. All those myths about this movie being able to shake the foundations of the church have been debunked! It definately wasn't strong enough to shake my faith in God and it is highly unlikely that this movie will seriously effect Christianity and the church. It was more like just a fantasy movie thought of by some mad man.It really just wasn't convicing enough and I don't see what the whole hoo haa about the movie is all about. It's nothing great, a thoroughly average movie. In fact some of the ficticious claims presented in the movie were put across in such a ridiculous manner that I myself and some others in the cinema were actually laughing when it was supposed to be a serious setting. Also the crazy "monk" (actually an assassin really) supposedly working for Opus Dei was highly amusing. The only thing good was the soundtrack and the photography. Also the locations were realistic, authentic and very picturesque.

2006-05-27T23:33:00.000+08:00

I'm just back from ps, after dinner and service. Today was the ID theft part 2. Really nice dance at the beginning but a bit disappointed that there was no drama. I thought it was going to continue from where the 1st part of ID theft left off? Anyway service was still good. Really enjoyed the praise and worship.

Oh and I've been really lazy to update, forgot to update last week. Anyway last week was just a normal service and there was this section for ministry affirmation. To my horror, I was one of the nominees and had to go up on stage to receive a $10 hope resource voucher. No comments...

Been so boring these past few days. Feel like going to the IT show coming up soon but then it's not wise to spend on anything much. Feel like buying more computer games. Been playing maple for far too long and getting too boring. I regret chionging my hunter to ludibrium, now it's so crowded there while my cleric is enjoying the peace at victoria -_-.

So bored... bored... bored, nothing to do. I never go out... there's nothing to do...no games to play...

2006-05-13T23:30:00.000+08:00

Today I had such a frustrating day. I went to ps to buy some stuff just before service and then this girl tapped me on the shoulder and started to explain to me about some saving scheme. I should never have sat down. When I did, she went on and on and on and she was so insistent and kept trying to divulge background information about me and my family and I'm thinking to myself, "How is this background information going to help you to assist me in knowing more about this savings scheme?". She just kept ranting continuously, asking if I was a student, where I studied, how old I was, what I was doing in life, what I was planning to do in life, how many siblings I had, what are my siblings doing, how old are they, what are my parents working as she just kept going on while I was trying to be evasive and even lied here and there. She supposedly was working in Prudential, (yah I know it's an insurance company and not a bank mind you!), and wanted to elaborated more about this savings scheme with a 3% interest. I kept rejecting her offer to open an account with her "bank" and kept reiterating that I had to discuss these with my parents and nothing can be finalised there and then. And she was just so insistent and kept going on saying, "Oh actually you just have to deposit $70 now and then you can discuss with your parents for one month...blah blah blah all the nonsese!" She also kept emphasizing that this is my life and I must make a decision by myself, heck I live life the way God wants me to live. Who are you to dictate what I must and must not do?! She was just so annoying and infuriating. Even small things like I was holding my handphone and kept looking at the time cuz she just went on forever and even asked "Why do you keep holding your phone in your hand?" heck even that got me annoyed. I was like "Mind your own business!" I can't believe how stupid I was to even give my full name, date of birth and even handphone number. Well thank God she did not ask for address or ic number which are far more important. Anyway if and when she ever dares to ring me I'll just leave it ringing and won't pick up--I saved her number as "DO NOT ANSWER!" She even had the cheek to ask, "Why do you look so sian like that?" Woah now that nearly blew my fuse and really heated me up. Well I simply replied, "I have a church service to attend and have to be leaving NOW!" In the end she gave in and decided to let me leave without signing anything. However she implored that I MUST meet her either tomorrow (which is sunday) or monday. I'm thinking to myself: like which bank operates on sunday? Again she was so tenacious and aggressively insistent that we must meet up and sign up for a new savings account. I just told her I cannot confirm and really have to leave now. I even requested for her business card but she declined, giving the reason that if I had no business card I cannot exchange with her. I'm like what the heck?! You aren't even sincere in your business, you must be a con-woman. I should have said that out loud, too bad for my quite nature. I just walked away with such anger in my heart. Later I was reflecting on this on how much anger I had, in fact I nearly scolded her. In my heart I was cursing her but not aloud.

What a hipocrite I was; one moment filled with such anger and deep hatred then the next moment in church singing hallelujah and praise Jesus. It really struck me as such a sharp contrast and really saddened me! I really have a lot to learn from this experience and even thank God for such an incident. I know I shouldn't have been so angry and shouldn't have lied about certain things just to protect my own privacy. I should have just said no to her in the 1st place and walked off. I guess since this is the first time I have encountered such an incident I would say I acted very immaturely. I really have much to learn from this and need to learn to say no politely and not to get so angry that I almost let anger take control over me.

Emotions come to mind- I need more control over them. I should not let people control my life. I wasted such precious time that I needed to buy some stuff but in the end could not. I blame only myself for falling into such a trap!

2006-05-10T22:15:00.000+08:00

Today went for a prayer walk at balestier ite. To pray for the ground to soften but not everything went as it was supposed to be. Only 3 people turned up (including myself) which seemed like a sign that I care group is not really united. Anyway the school was totally empty...What a waste of time today. After that we went to Mao's house to see the cute doggie.

2006-04-23T14:35:00.000+08:00

Wah yesterday pm there was some last minutes tech difficulties, but anyway God will see my effort I put into my duty. Also I got so much to thank God for. I thought the pm was starting at 1 but actually started a lot later and I thought I was late when I reached at 1.05 but thank God I reached on time. Also so relieved to see my results especially java and video production. Both were killer subjects and for java I could not understand head or tail, it was like every lesson was a hit or miss and in the end God bless me with a A grade! It's truly a miraculous thing and I cannot even understand how I could achieve this if I had not known God. For the video production it was also so difficult and at times I found it so annoying working with my group members but again God blessed me with a B grade! I can truly see how much God has blessed me with good studies in ITE Dover. He's really blessed me from the beginning right throughout to the end.

2006-03-21T20:35:00.000+08:00

The day has finally come- my graduation. It's strange that I look back and see how much I've been rushing through most of my life with not much achievements. Wasted so much time just rushing through this and that. I've got mixed feelings about this day, the day I stepped out of school for the last time. I'm glad the projects are over although still I'm not very happy about that; consciousness comes to mind. I remember that I received Christ in september 04 during my 1st year at school. I changed so much since then; learnt so much; influenced so much. Of course I remember the really tough times I had with A Maths, VB, Java and all those other killer projects. It's quite amazing how I would hantam or anyhow whack here and there and still managed to get such good grades. Well it serves as a reminder to myself that God is definately real. And also the people: classmates, friends, enemies. I will miss my friends dearly and our separation will be painful. Also I can't believe that I still have hatred in my heart towards so many of my schoolmates. When I think of them I really feel mad; the thought brings just such an annoying sensation. May God help me to forgive them, it's really time to let go of past hatreds and move on with life. Another thing that came to my mind when reflecting on my 2 years in ITE. I only spent so little time and effort in my spiritual life. Such a sharp contrast to my studies where I would study so hard and spend so much time. I really need to make a plan and take action. These few months when I'm free I'm definately going to make up for lost time. Time spent rushing through life with little thought for others. I don''t know what dangers or discomforts or obstacles the future holds for me but I can't stop the sun from setting nor the moon from rising. Time is just flying past me and I only can hope for the best in the future.

2006-02-21T21:09:00.000+08:00

Recently there was water baptism at big splash last sun. Quite a lot of di ppl got baptized that they. I hope they stay strong in faith and grow as a new creation in God. Hope's that there's some motivation for me. Here are some pics...ok I'm not a very good photographer and lighting conditions weren't very good...it was too bright anyway enjoy.

The "feast" we had after water bapt at pizza hut

Tobias haha I finally caught you on my cam lol

2006-01-17T23:35:00.000+08:00

Finally I'm back to blogging...been to lazy to update haha. Just realised it's been like 4 months since I last updated. Where should I start wah Christmas week then the new year was so busy but really enjoyed myself. During Christmas di5 received so many new converts; hope they retain.

Christmas day was sunday but our service was on saturday. Another totally huge mistake I made was coming late. In fact very late, I came when the sermon had half way started. All thanks to my forgetful self. You see I forgot to print out the lyrics needed at the christmas coundown (which in the end we did not use them at all, might I add!!!). All because of that and a jammed printer that made me late.

Christmas countdown was at Mind Cafe (not Isle Cafe!!!). Was quite a nice place, a cafe with board games and we had free flow of drinks and some finger food. I really enjoyed playing Taboo with Joseph, Hong Siong and Matthew. The countdown was really great except for what happened after that lol. They sprayed that silly foam thing and it released such a bad chemical smell that I almost choked in that place. Argh I'll never forget that. And then there was the problem of getting transport home. I'll never forget this and never want to repeat this ever. I took the night rider bus to buona vista and walked all the way to my house in pasir panjang. The journey was really scary since the roads were rather empty and there were no pedestrians around. The worst part was when I was walking through sout buona vista road, it was like walking through a jungle alone except there were light and pavement. Then things just got worst it started to rain and very heavily. I ran from one bus stop to another taking some rest and shelter before I ran to the next one. I was totally wet but I my shirt didn't absord anywater, it's water resistant, and my camcorder didn't get wet, also thanks to my half water proof bag. I remember I reached pasir panjang village and just sat and sat there outside 7 eleven waiting for the rain. I remember I reached buona vista at around 4 am and by now after running here and there in the rain and waiting it was almost 7 am and still I hadn't reached home. My whole body was so cold and freezing. In the end I just decided to run up the hill in the pouring rain since the rain didn't seem to want to stop. I'll never forget this! I was totally sick the next day!

New year countdown was also after service and we went to a chalet in Cranwell road. The games were really fun and well thought of but I couldn't help complaining....I was really really starving cuz we didn't have time to eat after service. Another thing was after the countdown again I couldn't get any transport. I couldn't stay cuz I didn't have any extra clothes. I should have gone to changi village at least there I would have got a cab (but risk being followed by some..um...you know). I went the other way towards tampines and just walked and walked such a long road then I noticed somebody seemed to be following me. I became nervous and started walking faster and didn't stop to rest eventhough I could feel some sharp pains in my stomach. It was really painful but I kept on walking and eventually lost sight of him. After that my parents came to pick me up. Seems like I always kena the worst things in the early hours of a new year. It was the same last year btw.

2005-12-08T18:19:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I went to Richard's place and watched this video about stepping out in faith and walking on water. I learnt a lot from it and really took the plunge. I truly stepped out of my boat that day, the cave that I was living in. Then later at cg I watched another video about purity. It must have been God's plan for me to watch these videos as they really spoke to me it was as if they were shown especially for me.

I made the right decision eventhough at that moment my heart was so heavy, so burdened and confused but I can't deny that God is the only One and that He is real. Finally I can rest easier and no longer live in pretence. I'm really so appreciative that our God is a God of forgiveness and of love.

Yet I encountered another obstacle in life which is my fitness level. Really discouraged as today I took my 2.4km test and flunked quite badly. When I was on my second last round I had to stop cuz I was just too slow and there was no point finishing the run. There must be something I can do about it. I can't let such a small thing defeat me so easily. Really need to train up I got 2 napfa tests coming up and very soon I'll be entering ns next year. I am quite worried about my heart condition also but I trust God that at the right time He will heal me. The doctor didn't say much, all he said was to exercise more.

2005-12-04T22:01:00.000+08:00

So stressed got this group project and I'm supposed to wript the script for a 5 minute play. I don't even have any ideas and don't know how to start...some more the deadline is so soon I have to finish script, storyboard everything by Thursday. This is what I really hate. Being pushed to do something I really don't know how to do...and in the end will flunk....well hopefully not this time. I've been doing this since I started in ite...

Somehow I never thought I would say this but life seems quite boring with school only 3 times a week...feel like a part time student. Sure more time on my hands is a good thing but that's not always the case...I mean I can definately find something to do but a lot of the time it's pursuing all the earthly and ungodly things. I need to find some better things to occupy myself with. More time, more time to think.

Life just seems such a drag...on and on so long and wow suddenly a year has gone pass and what have I gained or learnt? Nothing much...hai I wish I just had the spirit to pull myself up once again...just like last time when I was so strong in the faith. I'm living my life just like the old ways once again...somehow I hope that a miracle occurs...something that will really wake me up, shake me greatly. I've been like this for way too long already so much so that I'm not tired of being like this but have grown used to this wordly way of life. I really am fading away...now it's even so difficult to speak in His way. Can see that it is leaving me...slowly.

Just looking back, what was it that caused me such a bad fall and remained injured for too long. I can't even recall now but perhaps I need to let go of my past failures. I really need to recall what happened and why my life suddenly turned. Things just went out of control due to my own fault and not because I couldn't control the events that happened but because I just didn't do anything to help myself. I'm not even half the person I used to be...I used to be so different, so contented with life and was happier. Doesn't anybody see how I've changed since? Just what was it? I really need to reflect on this...

2005-11-21T09:08:00.000+08:00

I'm in class now...finally after 3 months of being away from school...still sick and coughing...anyway getting better...wah just found out my timetable for this term and also my results for last term. Wow God really blessed me and help me to maintain good results. My timetable is quite good wednesday and friday got no school ha ha really good...

2005-11-13T21:35:00.000+08:00

Another few weeks have gone by already and so lazy to blog ha ha....anyway prayer meet was really a refreshing time at touch community centre and really strange was that there was a blackout during the praise and worship. Some people thought God had returned, some thought He was testing us whether we could worship out of our comfort zones but as for me it didn't strike me as anything significant...just an ordinary blackout. A church brother, don't know his name, but he's a ul or sdl and he prayed for healing for me and my mother. I trust in God and wait patiently for this miracle from God. I really needed a prayer meet like this when I could just worship God so freely and for such an extended period of time.

Just yesterday we celebrated jeyaraj's 19th birthday at istana park.

2005-11-04T22:11:00.000+08:00

It's been a very busy week for me...so many things going on...I went for the gender camp on monday night. It was my 1st church camp. The 1st day was really tiring but a very memorable experience that I will never regret. The games was like the whole night and I hardly got any sleep. Anyway it was a good time fellowshipping with my brother. Especially the game called Final Destination. I was in a group and I didn't know most of them at least during this time I got to know them a bit better.

The 2nd day was all the teachings. About pride, power, humility, lust, and apologetics. Very interesting stuff here. Even though I could have used a few hours more of sleep I was still listening attentively.

Wednesday I went to the Paradise Live concert with the twins cedric and stephen. Wow such a fantastic time of praise and worship to God. The visiting pastor, pastor paul preached about his breakthrough in praising God eventhough times were so desparate and so bad for him.

Thursday went to Paradis Live concert again this time with my cg and tobias...I'm glad I went for both the days because on thursday the teaching was different. He taught us about worshipping God excessively and abundantly.

2005-10-24T16:06:00.000+08:00

Shouldn't have drank coffee yesterday...it was just a sip and it kept me up all night...was at starbucks with the di brothers...and also tobias. We were talking nonsense you know just nothing much...enjoy fellowship...but actually it was good that I drank coffee and couldn't sleep. I received an sms from manta at 2am, an invitation to her bday bbq. I replied to her and later she called me...was nice talking to her eventhough it was so late.

God I really need a breakthrough...life just can't go on like this. It's so meaningless like I'm just trapped in one position and can't progress...can't move forward onto something more. Maybe I just think too much...been thinking too much lately. I don't know is it better to ponder all the flaws in my life and feel upset or just try to pretend that everything in life is alright and be contented? I tried both and neither work...it's just such a struggle...I'm so patiently waiting for the time of breakthrough and revival in my life.

2005-10-23T22:42:00.000+08:00

haha yesterday I've finally returned to tertiary service after 2 months of going to sunday service and feeling lost and out of place...pastor jeff's so funny haha really miss his sermons...after that fellowship with dians so bo liao leh...walk here walk there along orchard and talking nothing much...felt like the israelites wondering in the desert for 40 years....ok this was the dians wondering in orchard all night and nowhere to go :p

2005-10-16T21:44:00.000+08:00

Wow a week has gone past so fast and finally, *drum roll pls*, my attachment is over and my supervisor's review of my work was quite good. Praise God everything is over...can return to normal life...can go to cg and to service!

2005-10-09T15:04:00.000+08:00

Saturday I was working as usual. Quite strange that my colleague bumped into an old friend of his whom he had lost contact with for several years already and I was listening to their conversation and found out they were both from St Michael's. What a coincidence. Both are a year older than me. I guess this really kick started our friendship and we left on a higher note than before when it was so frustrating working with him. Well, at least we were friends in the end. Btw he just stopped work. All the best to you eventhough it's unlikely that you're reading this, also I pray that you'll return to God.

Oh and that day was also quite scary. Had a call from the airport authorities to complain about something about tax refund for a tourist...can't say anything more but at least it's not that serious and I didn't get into any trouble...Faster end work leh before more things get out of hand!

Seems like people come and people go...I don't even know where are they or what they're doing. I never see them anymore and don't even keep in touch. If you're reading this by now you should know whom I'm talking about. Just to let you know that I"m worried about you and care about you. I pray for you and keep wondering how is everything in your life going...wondering if things are ok. I really hope that one day you'll come back, to God.

2005-10-06T23:08:00.000+08:00

Argh really feeling frustrated!!! I hate how my life goes up and down all the time worst than the worst roller coaster. Seems like it was only just a while ago that things were looking better and that there was a hope and a future for me...what I worked so hard to build up last year has just gone to waste...why is it that external things always have such a big impact on me...and people can upset me and hurt me so easily...I just don't understand. Seems like I just loose control of things, things get out of hand and there's nothing I can do about it. Suddenly the future doesn't seem so promising and I'm really lost. Really, really lost. I want my past life back! Not the one when I was a non believer but those few months last year when things were really good. Seems like I keep remembering the past yet almost a year has gone by so quickly and I've let everything fall out of place. I don't know what to do. I try to be happy, try to be optimistic, try to be helpful and kind to others but for what purpose....all to no avail...everything is so useless! I have really fallen out but at least I know someone is still keeping me alive eventhough I feel I've already "wasted away"...

2005-10-06T22:50:00.000+08:00

I had a really frustrating day on tuesday, this was probably the worst day in my attachment. So many customers complaints...and to top it off I made a costly mistake also....haiyah especially those foreigners they came back to complain about a faulty product and even had the cheek to make some racist remarks about chinese....we get the hint alright...today another frustrating day working at funan...I guess I can safely talk about it here...the boss is super bossy and got a super attitude...I guess they don't call him boss for nothing...I'm so relieved that tomorrow I'm going back to suntec (with no boss!) and never returning to funan... and next week is my last week....I'm counting down the days. I can't believe my friend even asked me if I wanted to continue working at pk during my holidays....it's quite obvious isn't it?

2005-10-02T21:25:00.000+08:00

Finally I'm back....been too lazy to blog anyway nothing much to say also. Oh ya today was my last guitar lesson so next week onwards I'll be more free. The annoying part is that I still can't change my off to saturday....anyway about 2 weeks more to freedom and my own life!

2005-09-21T00:42:00.000+08:00

Been so busy working I hardly have time for anything now also no mood to do anything....same routine everyday....work, go home, play games, sleep...like what a bad way to pass my time. I don't even enjoy playing computer games anymore...just no mood. I was thinking there's got to be something more. It's just scary how time flies by so fast, such a strange contrast to what I blogged last week. Today had a few mishaps during my work...I forgot to return a customer's credit card but thank God he came back later and then earlier there was a blackout for about 1hr. Should have been blackout the whole day then can slack. Also I found something unusual in the shop...don't know whether the decision I was right or not but what's done is done...can't tell you anymore about it unfortunately. After work I went down to ministry house. I responded to God that I will do more for Him but there's such an unwillingness and tiredness in me...I just give everything to God , all my problems and worries with hope that a breakthrough will come.

2005-09-11T23:02:00.000+08:00

Work is just torture especially working with that guy....I don't know why he seems so irritable and he's always so sarcastic. Time is just passing by soooo veeery slowly...feel so tired and can't wait for my attachment to end...it's taking up all my time and I don't have time for anything else. Just 1 month more and it'll all be over.

2005-09-06T23:09:00.000+08:00

I had a hectic day at work....some customers are so difficult to deal with. Oh and I saw eilton working at life bookshop on my way to the bank...I did drop by a few minutes to say hi. I'm still worried about whether I can get leave on sat or not

2005-09-05T22:29:00.000+08:00

Sunday was ok although it seemed so uncomfortable going to church alone. I got this weird feeling that reminded me of my pass when I was a loner and wouldn't talk to anyone else, felt so out of place until when I started praising and worshipping God then I finally managed to settle in...seems like my guitar class is getting smaller and smaller...now there are only 2 ppl including myself lol. After that I went for fellowshipping with the di ppl at orachard....bumped into my classmate

2005-09-05T00:09:00.000+08:00

I had a terrible saturday....working as usual and had a stomach ache throughout the day :(
really put me in a bad mood. At least time seems to be flying past quite quickly as I get more used to my working environment. Was kinda short-handed though (not literally) cuz one of my colleagues just left and on there were only 2 ppl in the shop. I pray that the boss will be kind enough to give me leave next saturday. It's my cousin's wedding.

2005-08-29T22:46:00.000+08:00

Was working today as usual...I had some strange encounters today at work. I was approached by a lady who spoke to me in chinese and asked me if I wanted to buy "cds". At first I thought she wanted to buy cds from the shop cuz she spoke very softly and I couldn't hear. Then my colleague told me about those "cds" she was referring too....(roll eyes). I didn't know got such people selling such stuffs. Next thing was when I was delivering products to an office. On the way there I heard and then saw 2 very familiar people. You know who you are.

2005-08-28T21:27:00.000+08:00

Well the weekened has finally come and gone so quickly...wow time really flies it just a while back when I was dreading about going to work and a week has passed. I guess I'm getting used to it...I didn't make any serious mistakes during work on sat...ya and those security tags are such a nuisance...I keep forgetting to remove them and the alarm goes off. Back to work on monday...

2005-08-23T21:53:00.000+08:00

Ok today wasn't as bad as yesterday...in fact it's much better. I got tranfered to the suntec branch and I thought wah so sian got no friends working with me. Fortunately everything was ok...quite slack compared to the main shop and no boss lurking around. I was quite surprised that the people working there are all around my age, even my supervisor. They're ok, quite friendly and curious about me. Alas, there's so much to learn--the shop sells so many different products and I wasn't of much help to any customers today. Really need to learn quick!

2005-08-22T22:56:00.000+08:00

Just had a terrible day today...came back from work and really hungry and tired my legs feel like dropping off...feel like falling down...my face is really black today. I hope tomorrow's going to be better.

2005-08-21T23:54:00.000+08:00

today di ppl celebrated cedric and stephen's birthday at their place. Happy 19th birthday! Pics coming soon...

2005-08-20T23:29:00.000+08:00

Wow really had such a fantastic time today. Praise God! I met up with my old friend Andy from secondary school and brought him to service. Although he did not receive Christ I am really glad that he came and that I finally have a breakthrough in outreaching. Had such a fun time catching up with him and talking about school and other stuff. Praise God, I trust you for more contacts and you'll use me to outreach more!

2005-08-19T20:58:00.000+08:00

I'm very happy today...this marks the end of my term and I finished up all my assignments. Maybe I shouldn't be so happy I don't know what my attachment has in store for me whether it'll be fun or not. At least my friends are with me and God is always by my side. Hey I also want to praise God for giving me one contact! He's coming down tomorrow! Woohooo finally after months without any growth there's finally some results! Thank You God!

2005-08-17T17:05:00.000+08:00

Just found out my attachment posting today...gonna work at funan. Not too bad I guess but the long hours....

2005-08-15T09:43:00.000+08:00

Hi I'm back....haven't been blogging lately cuz lazy hahaha...anyway really enjoyed the weekend with the dians....finally had a good chance to talk to reuben....I haven't seen or talked to him for some time already. I'm quite worried about you. Hey if you're reading this I just want you to know that I am praying for you. Trust God and have faith that He will protect you.

2005-08-10T17:34:00.000+08:00

Wah last night I had a wonderful time celebrating national day....was at esplanade when the fireworks went off....wow I've never seen it in real life before it was really fantastic. Then the di ppl went to marina south to sit down and talk talk....really tired when I reached home...I've never seen such a crowd at esplanade before. The streets were just swarming with ppl

2005-08-08T15:49:00.000+08:00

Yesterday went for the last night of the festival of praise....I really enjoyed myself there eventhough I had to queue up for hours. The praise and worship form the 2 groups hillsong and dilirious was really exceptional. Something that you really have to experience for yourself. I felt I was really standing in God's presense last night as the people worshipped. It was my 1st time going to such a concert and left me with a big impression. I was encouraged and happy to see so many new converts that night. I also prayed that night that I would have a breathrough from God in my physical health.

2005-08-07T00:15:00.000+08:00

Just returned...had a lot of fun fellowshipping with the DIans...played polar bear game near esplanade...talked a lot to the new brother....really looking forward to tomorrow--festival of praise

2005-08-05T20:49:00.000+08:00

I've just returned from pasir ris camp. Wah big sigh of relief...everything was ok and really there was nothing much to the tests.

2005-08-04T14:18:00.000+08:00

Feel like killing time. I'm now in class and there's nothing to do....I have been thinking about my life and feel that I'm becoming worse and worse...somehow...I don't know how to explain. I used to live for the weekends then I was living for God...but now it seems I've gone back to my old way of life....even worse than that. I don't find any satisfaction in anything I do and neither do I look forward to anything.

2005-08-03T22:08:00.000+08:00

I feel so lost. There's nothing much I want in life...I have no particularly strong cravings for anything or anyone and I live a good life. A very comfortable life too, yet I feel something is missing from me. I don't know what but there's a certain emptiness about me. I really need to do something about this but I've no idea how or where to start.

2005-08-02T08:58:00.000+08:00

Hey something I forgot to mention-- I've started learning to play the guitar...just started class last sunday. Hopefully I can make good use of this skill. Anyway I have so much free time this semester I might as well occupy myself with something useful.

2005-08-01T14:22:00.000+08:00

Haven't updated for 2 days already. Had such a tiring weekend. On friday I was up all night doing the powerpoint presentation until 4 am and had to get up at 8am....not too bad I guess. Then on saturday I went with the church ppl to pasir ris chalet and by the time I reached there it was already time to go home. cedric, larry and me rushed back to pasir ris but there was no more mrt...at least cedric caught the last bus back to ang mo kio. I guess my weekend just didn't go so well. Anyway after larry and me took a bus to bedok which took forever to reach there cuz there was a car accident on the way.

When we finally reached bedok interchage it was way past midnight and we scrambled to search for any bus that will take us somewhere closer to the west. Unfortunately it was already too late and so we were forced to take a cab. At least I made good use of this time to get to know larry. Really enjoyed talking to him and learnt a lot more about him. Actually I don't mind getting stuck in such a situation again if I can get to talk to my friends...

2005-07-30T14:28:00.000+08:00

I had such a frustrating day yesterday. Wasted so much time! Can't believe I was so nervous that I got my appointment date mixed up....travelled all the way to pasir ris for nothing....it's actually next week :faint: . Then I was also annoyed with my teacher she said she'll minus marks for such a petty thing--I forgot to rename my assignment file and had to do it last minute on her computer. Wah piang eh! I was also late for the hope sem and then afterwards at the rehearsal I just couldn't concentrate and didn't catch the sequence of the songs...in fact I don't even know what songs we're doing for 3rd service. Every things was so utterly annoying it was such a trying day, everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong. At least at the end of the day I was doing the slides for service and managed to finish quite fast and get some good sleep.

2005-07-28T13:04:00.000+08:00

sorry I didn't blog anything yesterday...too lazy...was busy playing my favourite city building game. It's kinda old and only runs on my pentium 3, win 98 computer. Oh the name is pharaoh... very addictive game and very fun...

I'm now in cgdp class waiting for the lesson...it's supposed to start at 1 but the teacher will come at 2. Forgot to bring my brick...oops I mean book.

2005-07-26T20:02:00.000+08:00

Finally I can breathe a sigh of relief. I finished assignment 1 and don't need to worry about it anymore.....but I don't feel any happier...I know something's wrong with me...I hardly talk to anyone these days...

2005-07-25T20:40:00.000+08:00

I guess about time that I popped that million-dollar-question: "Who am I?". Just like Shirley taught me last week I really need to reflect on this and plan what's ahead. I really feel kinda lost and confused.

2005-07-25T20:36:00.000+08:00

Feel so uncertain and anxious of what the future holds for me...just like 2 yrs ago when I had finished my o levels...didn't know where to go for months and now again I feel like I'm in the same situation. I'm worried about ns and what I will do after that. Study? Work? Where? So many questions and doubts in my mind. At least the difference between now and last time is I know that there's a God who cares for me and really loves me no matter what.

2005-07-25T16:07:00.000+08:00

in school now...got some time to kill cuz the lesson's so boring. Ya anyway want to thank God that I don't have insomnia anymore. It's been plagueing me for weeks already but now I can finally rest properly. I dunno what was the cause of it. Perhaps my disobedience?

2005-07-25T11:03:00.000+08:00

last night spent time with tobias, joseph and kelvin....we went to ktv....need to save $$. Somehow I can see that I have changed, maybe something's wrong with me but things are different now --I don't look forward to anything or enjoy anything in my life. I'm returning to my former self. Really need to get to work on my project the deadline is so soon and it's so incomplete and basic.

2005-07-24T00:39:00.000+08:00

Hi just got back from service. In fact today I went for two services. The 1st sermon was about who am I and the second was about faith. I really found that teaching about faith meaningful to me especially now in a time when I am really lacking. I will go through this teaching again to reflect on it and how I can improve. It gave me a deeper understanding of faith.

2005-07-23T12:14:00.000+08:00

just uploaded my pic

2005-07-22T22:54:00.000+08:00

I'm just back from shepherding with jey...had a quite a fun time but still feel quite pressured cuz my assignment deadline is next week and my room still looks too basic, also quite worried about other stuff like next week going to pasir ris camp. May God bless me with strength, wisdom and courage. Looking for a breakthrough in my life....I really need it! Feel so weak spiritually and everything is a burden.

2005-07-22T08:57:00.000+08:00

Ya how could I forget...yesterday I received this letter from mindef....argh feel very anxious as I will have to go for napfa test next friday. I'm far from ready to go but if it's God's will that I must go to the commando camp in pasir ris then so I will go.

2005-07-22T08:54:00.000+08:00

I'm now in cga lesson...hasn't started yet. As usual the class is late. I don't feel so tired this morning maybe because I had better rest. Feel like going to sonicfest but there's nobody to go with me and besides I don't know if I can get tickets. I guess it's just better to save money. I guess I'll spend my weekends trying to figure out how to do my cga assignment on 3d studio max.

2005-07-21T09:22:00.000+08:00

Hey today dunno what's the reason but felt inspired to create this blog about me and to tell you about my walk with God and my life. Let's start out with what I did today....hmm school as usual....boring and nothing much to say. At least the cgdp class ended early oh and some people in the class are so manipulative. Always trying to use me to their own benefit. Hurrying me to finish the assignment so that they can copy everything wholesale. That quite spoilt my mood for the day. Now I'm at home surfing the net and blogging of course.